remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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