don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
