Banned from zoo.
Again?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
