On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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