I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
