i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
i've created a new STD.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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