i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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