I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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