she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
