Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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