Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Randomize
