Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Randomize
