You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
