I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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