either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
