Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
