Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
sarcasm needs its own font
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
