Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
