i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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