Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
