if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
