The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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