Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
