Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
