You're my little dorito
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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