Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
