My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
