his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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