There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
