Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
