Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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