Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
