I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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