it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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