Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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