So drunk, too bad you don't want this
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
