I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
