i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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