guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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