pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
don't judge my taste in strippers
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
