Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
