If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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