you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
