i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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