??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
