Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize