oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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