This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I want to fling myself into the sun
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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