So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
