wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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