"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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