She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
