the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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