Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
