Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
