1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
