i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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