Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
