i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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