I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
