his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
