just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
what is it with giant penises always finding me
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
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